Monday, June 22nd, 2009
Foster Family Visit The moment I saw this photograph, I felt the foreshadowing of what would come. What is shown here is the moment when Delilah Dang Nan and her foster mother saw photographs of our family. Maybe not the first moment she knew an adoption was imminent, but perhaps the first time it became real to her.



Several months passed from this cold winter day and the summer day we first held Dang Nan in our arms. What thoughts and emotions must have blown through this woman's heart! She had cared for Dang Nan for 2 years, seen her recover from major surgery, and allowed her sunny smile and tinkling laugh to become her whole world. I understand it because already I feel the same way. I love this little sprite and her happy face is better than sunshine.

In a twist of fate, both tragic and beautiful, our lives were further entwined when we were allowed an exception to a fairly strict rule and a meeting was planned between Dang Nan's foster family and her forever family.

Below is the account of the hours spent in a sod house in Baotou, Inner Mongolia. I tried to add photos in appropriately. Please feel free to ask me anything! Be warned that this is a long tale, so sit back, brew some coffee, and enjoy an immersion into a day unlike no other!

Our plan to meet Dang Nan's foster family began long before we traveled. Dang Nan was chosen to be placed in a foster home during the time she was under the watch of China Care, an organization who has helped hundreds or thousands of children over the past ten years. But due to pressure from the Chinese government, China Care had to change their presence in China. One of the first tragedies was that their foster care program had to cease. Because we were so close to traveling, Dang Nan was allowed to remain with her family for the final months.

China Care always believed it was a good idea for forever families and foster families to meet. While they were active, they would facilitate a visit between the families, even if the adoptive agengy needed to look away. Contact between foster families and adoptive families is not allowed by the CCCA (main governing body overseeing adoption). There are many reasons that you can probably imagine that CCAA wanted to have control over keeping these families apart. But China Care felt differently. They believed that it was in the best interest of the child to have the families come together in a sort of "passing ceremony" where the foster family and adopting family stand in agreement that the adoption is best for the child. It may be difficult and emotional for all involved, but it gives closure to the child and she gets a send off from the people she has loved, and she does not feel kidnapped or stolen away. This message can have long reaching effects on the child through out life.

We were excited to be allowed to meet the foster family. We could tell form the photos that they adored Dang Nan and we anticipated being able to thank them personally for giving her so much love and great care over the past two years. However, as China Care closed up and began to move out of the area, we wondered if we would still be able to find a way to meet the foster family. The area is vast and not easily traveled. The place where Dang Nan was born and abandoned, the orphanage and China Care Home where she spent part of her life, and the foster family's home in Baotou were hundreds of miles apart.

But since the visit has been on our hearts for many months and since we had also heard that the foster family wanted to meet us, we requested that our guide ask permission for a meeting to take place. We were actually a little surprised that we received permission along with the adoptive family traveling with us, who adopted a son from the same area, named Lee Yu. The plan was made that our foster family would travel to the home of Lee Yu's foster family and we would all meet there since it was a central point. The message came to us that they were all very excited we were coming.



We left our hotel at 8:30am Tuesday morning. The drive to the meeting place was almost 3 hours. We passed out of the city and into an area of heavy industry. It was sadly desolate and dry and brown and ugly. We drove past nuclear facilities and into a low mountain range. We finally arrived in a small town surrounded by neighborhoods that can only be described as looking like the buildings in war torn areas after bombings! No more paved roads. Only dust and dirt. And we were lost......so the family sent a teenage daughter to come ride with us and show us the way.




When we finally arrived in the area where the meeting was to occur, the bus could only take us part of the way into the neighborhood. We were getting out of the bus in order to walk the rest of the way. As soon as I stepped off the bus, I heard a woman's voice calling, "Dang Nan, Dang Nan". Nan Nan couldn't see her foster mother yet, but she was looking all around calling "mama, mama" and soon they were reaching for each other and embracing in what has to be one of the most moving and saddest moments of my life. I gave Delilah over to her foster mother because I wanted them to have this one last day together. Soon she was reaching out for her "grandmother" and two older brothers who were brought to tears themselves holding her again.







As we walked up the dirt roads to the meeting house, our entourage grew to include Lee Yu's foster family and any and all curious neighbors who wanted to see what the tour bus had just dropped off on their street. I walked alone and I noticed my first foreshadowing of dread. The foster mother had not greeted me in any way. Not a hug, nor handshake, nor even a nod in my direction. She took Nan Nan from me and turned her back to me. But the grandmother reached out and held my hand and in that way we continued our processional back through time and memory.

As we approached the home of Lee Yu's foster family, we were welcomed heartily and told to enter. The home had two rooms. The room on the left was the bedroom and kitchen with a small table. The room on the right was just a sod room with a fresh covering of dirt on the floor. As we walked through the door, we were asked a question.

"Are you Christian"? All those who answered yes, were welcomed into the left room. Lee Yu's family had prepared an elaborate party. Tables were filled with fresh watermelon, plums, apples and bananas. A big birthday cake had been prepared. The foster mother had everyone sing together several hymns and then she read a beautiful letter to Lee Yu's family telling them that she believed God had brought them together and that none of this was an accident. This woman had hired a professional videographer to film the day and create a DVD and she had made a gorgeous wooden scrapbook album of Lee Yu's life with them.



The space in the room was small and hot and very crowded. And of course we couldn't speak the language. We had our guide with us, but she was not experienced in foster family visits and she was as unsure as we were about what might unfold. We were sort of ushered in and blocked by so many bodies that it took us a moment to realized Dang Nan was not with us.

"Where is she"?
"Where is she"? I looked all around and asked our guide. Turns out that this room is for the Christians and anyone else. But Dang Nan is not Christian and chose to separate themsleves away from the song and prayer. It took a while for us to find our way out and check on her. She was playing happily with her foster family in the dirt room and once the ceremony was over, Dang Nan's foster mother brought her over for cake.

I continued to find it odd that the foster mother did not want to connect with me at all. She would not even meet my eye. The one thing she wanted to know was what happened to Dang Nan's heel. I had our guide explain that the injury happened at the orphange, not with us.

Dang nan's foster family returned to the dirt room and we followed. While we did not expect an elaborate ceremony like the one we witnessed with Lee Yu's family, I kept thinking something memorable would be said. I felt very emotional, seeing how much Dang Nan loved her foster family, and how obvious it was that she was the light of their lives. Tears were welling in everyone's eyes time after time, as special games and treats were shared. I was watching my child blossom in her secret life that I could neither enter nor be told about by her.

She stroked the foster mother's hair and spoke to her right in her face, eyes soaking her in. They played finger games and the big brothers made her laugh. But soon the time was coming to an end. And still no one for the grandmother acknowledged me or Mark or Cami. When the guide told the foster mother about our other children, she seemed surprised that we had older children and even a little perturbed as if she was thinking, "why are you taking my child".

I felt more and more disillusioned with all of it. Did I adopt a child who needed a home, which is the way the program was billed. Or is this rich white woman coming in a taking a child from a loving home because we can afford to do it. I was not steady on my feet during those moments. I had not been prepared for such an unwelcoming and I wasn't sure what to do.

Through the guide/interpreter, I thanked the foster mother for all the love and care she had given Dang Nan over the past two years. I motioned to the grandmother and the brothers and said that I could tell she had been truly loved by many here. I began to cry as I stated that it felt wrong to me to be removing Dang Nan from the home and people she love. "It's just so hard", I said as I broke down in sobs.

And the family looked at me as if I had two heads. After a long and uneasy silence, the old grandmother came and took both my hands. She said, "It is good. Dang Nan will have a sister. She will not be lonely. She will have a good life". And with tears in her eyes, she handed me a bag of Dang Nan's favorite yogurt, crunchy snacks, and a pair of well loved gold shiny shoes. She told me these were Nan Nan's favorite things and to please bring her back to visit.

We then took a few group photos and it was time to go. I felt more than ready to go. The vibe sent out from Dang Nan's foster family was unfriendly and hostile and I felt very far from home and emotionally confused. We gathered outside and I prepared to reach for Nan Nan who was now clinging to her foster mother's neck and crying, "Let's go home now. Please take me home". She wanted to go home with them and she had to go home with us.










Since no one seemed to be making a move forward, our guide suggested we continue moving forward by letting the foster mother carry Dang Nan. That was okay with me. I knew out our bus was somewhere at the end of the winding dirt roads. We walked onward, with so many tears, so many people crying. It was truly like a funeral procession. When we were withing 10 feet of the bus, I tried again to reach from Dang Nan. The foster mother offered no assistance. It was like she didn't even see me. She just clung to Dang Nan crying and trembling. I motioned for them to walk on to the entrance of the bus. At that point, I took a screaming child from the arms of the only mother she had ever known who was now being held up by a son on each side as she was so lost in grief she was practically losing consciousness.

Once I had Dang Nan in my arms, I quickly stepped onto the bus and moved to the very back where we had been sitting on a long bench seat across the width of the bus. I was not aware immediately that the foster mother had followed me onto the bus. As I turned around to sit down, she was right in my face. She was wailing and crying and clawing at herself. Nan Nan reached out to her of course and she began to pull her away from me. At first I held on, but then I instinctively let the child go because no good would come from two women pulling her in half!!!! I suddenly knew that things were getting waaaayy out of hand and that we were so far from the goal of this visit.

I was shocked, saddened, and struck dumb. I sat in this 150% bus watching the most brutal and desparing scene play out before me. The foster mother fell to her knees on the bus cradling Nan Nan and wailing, WAILING, the kind of scene I had only seen before on National Geography. It was the most raw pain. A pain and horror with no solution. There was no way to make it better. But it had to end.

The sister of the foster mother was allowed on the bus. She pried her sister's hands off Dang Nan and tried to talk to the sobbing, trembling, wailing woman. She finally resorted to slapping her which gave enough break in the hysterics for the poor foster mother to be dragged from the bus.

Oh, my heart was breaking. Breaking for all of us. I know this woman, whose name I never even learned, loved the child who now lives with me. I believe Nan Nan was the bright shining star in her life. I believe she gave her the very best care she could. But I also know that something went terribly wrong. Her behavior was in no way healthy for the child. It may have long reaching effects on Nan Nan. It was the most brutally horrendous parting scene I could have imagined. In fact, if it had crossed my imagination that this would happen, we would not have considered being part of the visit.

If you wonder what happened after the foster mother was dragged from the bus, well, we closed the shades and drove away without looking back. Nan Nan cried hard for a little while. Then she feel asleep and when she woke, she had some water and yogurt and seemed to be okay. But the scene is in her brain forever. Unlike me, she cannot talk about it, write about, or even ask about it. As hard as it is for me to wrap my mind around what happened, I, at least have the skills to try. She lives only with the shadows, the sights, and sounds. Imprinted on her heart forever is a scene no baby should have to face.

I'm sorry I let this episode happen. I thought it would be different. I was caught off guard by the severe dislike the foster family had for us. I was touched by the kindness of the grandmother, but confused by the difference in the approach of the two generations. Lee Yu's mother suggested later that perhaps the foster mother was not completely stable anyway and that made her reaction even more dramatic.

I have so many thoughts and questions about this experience. My first and main concern is that a woman who loved a child would perform in this way in front of the child. Every minute of every day parents are asked to set aside their feelings, their comfort, etc. in order to care for a child. Then to see her do something that seems so traumatizing, so selfish in a way, just makes me angry.



Our guide tried to help us decompress. She tried to explain it by saying that these are peasants of very low education. What the woman felt at the moment was the only thing in her mind. She had no education about how her actions could affect the child. She was only dealing with her feelings. So I can accept that some of the experience was seen through the lens of our own culture.

I also know that if the CCAA, China's governing body over adoption, knew about this experience, they would be very angry. And this is probably the reason they severely limit the contact between adoptive parents and foster parents. However, most all the stories I've heard about people meeting their child's foster parents have been so positive and healthy, so I'm still reeling from what I can honestly say was the most terrible suffering and anguish I've witnessed in my life.

And beyond what it was, what it represents troubles me now and always will. It put a dark cloud over our experience of adopting Dang Nan. I would never dream of removing a child from a home where she was loved and cherished. We entered adoption in hopes of being able to give a home to a child who needed one. So why didn't this family adopt Dang Nan themselves? I will never understand this, even if I should be given an answer. Our guide explained that when a child enters foster care the family is told that the child is going to be adopted internationally. It is not a surprise to them. And I have also heard that the foster family is given the chance to adopt the child themselves.

There is so much I'll never know. So much I can not understand because my life experience is different. The good thing that came from the encounter is that I can see where some of Dang Nan's behaviors came from. She does some things that I can easily see the foster mother doing. My guess is that we are not the only people or things to send her into hysterics over the past two years. I hope Dang Nan will learn from a more calm model of behavior.

Most of all I hope she can remember the love and not have to remember the pain. This day is one I would never wish to relive.

(As a postscript).......we have emails, address, and several phone numbers from the family. But now I feel uneasy about future contact. Any thoughts on this????