Enemy Mine
Winston Churchill said, "You have enemies? Good. That means you have stood up for something sometime in your life".
As far as I can tell, I really only have one enemy. And I didn't understand it at all until I read this Churchilll quote. Now I understand it a little bit.
I have an enemy because I stood up for something at a critical point in time. I have an enemy because I do what mothers naturally do. I wanted to smite down anyone who appeared to cause harm to my child.
The sad and strange circumstances cause this enemy to be a Chinese man for whom I actually have a great deal of respect. He coached three of my children in team gymnastics. Our families spent all our free time together for a while. I was at the hospital the night his son was born and I filled out the birth certificate for him and gave him the idea for his middle name.
In a strange and shrouded way, my enemy led me down the path to one of the greatest experiences of my life, our adoption of Cami from China. Our lives are connected in infinite and complex ways. But as willing as I am to forget the past and more forward, he maintains a stubborn stance of hatred. He will not speak to me even when our paths cross closely. I am invisible to him. And if it was all laid out on the table I can't imagine that what I have done warrants such enemy status.
My enemy is a well respected coach. He was like a second father to my daughter for more than five years. He treated her well until her body began to let him down. And then he cast her aside the way an old horse is put out to pasture. He no longer coached her, merely allowed her to be in his gym.......while we paid him $300 per month tuition. She was suddenly too old, too big, too weak. And I saw that she was too sad and too exhausted to continue along this path.
At that point I did what most Americans consider to be the first step. I asked for a meeting. I shared my concerns. I asked questions. None of this was well received. The result was that he began to ignore her MORE when we didn't think that was possible.
So I played the mother card. I had to save my child. I gave her a choice to quit or go to another gym to train. She wanted to go to another gym. That was a good experience for her. It was a good way to end a career that was not really salvageable. I did it in hopes of salvaging her spirit. It was the worst possible thing I could have done in the eyes of my enemy.
I thought he would understand later. I thought he would see the logic. I thought that even if we didn't agree, after a few years it wouldn't matter so much. Apparently it does. Evidently his ego is not the forgiving type.
This story is more complex than I'm even able to express here. There are years and years and depth of shared dreams and experiences that layer all the characters with complexities I could not explain in an hour's writing. I'll ask you to trust me on that.
All I'm really trying to say is that I find it terribly unpleasant having an enemy. And I find it complicated to have a Chinese man as my enemy. There are so many better ways the story could go. The past is over. I've made my peace. I'm open to new beginnings. He wears his hate for me like a neon sign that I can't ignore.
Am I deserving of such long suffering abhorrence? I don't think I've ever been hated before. Is there a way out of it? Since I cannot change the past, is there anything I CAN do to change the future? Or did I create an unchangeable destiny by standing up for something sometime in my life?
I'm sure I'd have done exactly as you did. I guess we have a very different idea of how important our children's egos are vs. the ego of an adult in control - which, I guess, is cultural.
Beautiful form in that last photo.
The story becomes more complicated because Cami is attending the same gym, though far from his majesty, the coach. She will be going to preschool there and if she enjoys gymnastics, it's the best place around. He is not the only coach, but I can't expect us to never have to be involved with him.
There are several Chinese families involved in this business so it's a great opportunity for Cami to be with other children from China. I'm trying to sort through what happened and what the climate is for us there now, and decide if there is any chance at all that she can be treated fairly and kindly.
Again, cultural differences prevent me from assuming there would be a level of professionalism. I would never want him to be ugly to her because he hates me because I had to make a decision that was healthy for our family. I want it to work. It could be such a great situation. Or it could be deja vu.
Seeing the video brought back a flood of memories for me. My daughter Sara was a competitive gymnast. She began at a very young age and started competing as soon as she was allowed. I believe it was age 7. The difference is that she had a wonderful, loving, motherly coach. Everyone that trained with Doris adored her. She was a former three time Olympian and she knew her stuff. There is actually an uneven parallel bar moved named after her. However, if I had to do it all over again I would not have let Sara get involved in competitive gymnastics so young. I think the pressure is way too much. In the end Sara returned from an international gymnastic meet in Hawaii and told me she wanted to give up gymnastics. I was secretly delighted and supported her decision whole heartedly. First of all I could see that she was feeling the pressure of competition and losing the joy for the sport. Second, gymnastics was all encompassing and I wanted her to be able to hang out with friends after school and have time to be a kid. And finally some of the other parents (certainly not all) were extremely competitive and at times mean. If one of the girls got better scores than another some of the parents would say it wasn't deserved and other catty stuff. Their behavior was appalling and sent a negative message to the girls. It's funny though...even at age 20, Sara still displays all of her trophies in her room. She has always been very proud of her gymnastic accomplishments.
So was your daughter an international elite? At what age did she retire?
For most people looking at the situation, keeping Cami out of the sport, or out of this gym would solve the problem. And I'm prepared to do that. I"m just soul searching a bit to see if healing is possible. I have some time before a decision must be made.
The other part of the story is not yet told. There is a yin and yang of importance here. The wife of this coach is beauty personified. I loved my children just being in her presence. We were best friends and soul mates from the first hello. And even through all the trials we retained a relationship of respect and friendship. She adores Cami. She is a wonderful connection to China for Cami to have. She has a son Cami's age.
As for going to another gym, I just wouldn't do it. Being involved in the sport for so many years in the same state, I know what is out there. I know the kind of gymnastics that is worth the time and money and energy. I know the level of expertise that elevates the sport to an art form. That is what kept my daughter going through many injuries and illnesses. I would rather Cami persue another interest than go to another gym.
I will try to add a video that shows the aura of the female coach. Please tell me more about Sara!!!!