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Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
I Need to Chat w/ my 1st Post...
Response to first post on April 18th, 2008 (in italics):
I sit here typing this feeling:
Annoyed. Deceived. Discouraged. Hopeless. Disillusioned. Fat.
Ok, I own it, I said it. Now I feel.....Less annoyed, not deceived. Not really discouraged, just a little anxious. Hopeless? Well....not so much, but still striving.
There's a hottie inside of me, the bitch just won't speak up and be heard. I know her. I have seen her. I have been her.
I'm trying, dammit.
I actually put on a swim suit and went to the pool. No one laughed, or pointed, or stared. Not out loud.
But rest assured, I certainly felt that they were. Don't think that this is an image or condition that i take lightly (it's not), but I sometimes feel schizpophrenic when it comes to looking at my own body. I hear people say I look great, then I tell myself that they are my friends and just love me. Crazy!
But right now, she is far away in hiding. I feel like I have tried everything to lose weight. I eat "right". I go to the gym 5 days a week for the past 1 1/2 years - more than I have ever exercised in my entire life. Not just my adult life, my ENTIRE life!! guess what it got me? A whopping 17 lbs. FATTER. As if that weren't reason enough to be pissed at the world.
The gym is finally WORKING now!! I still like to go, and it is fun for me. Is it part of my body change? I don't know. And if it IS, honestly it still pisses me off that it takes THIS LONG to help!
So here I sit. This is my attempt at changing my body, through changing my mind. It may not work. But I can tell you this - it may just be my only hope!
The good news...my mind DEFINITLEY has changed. The picture in my last post was just a notion of ME and what I am trying to do. I think (oddly enough) that I THINK better now and make this work. It is a daily challenge though, that will be forever possibly!
I Need to Chat w/ my 1st Post...
Response to first post on April 18th, 2008 (in italics):
I sit here typing this feeling:
Annoyed. Deceived. Discouraged. Hopeless. Disillusioned. Fat.
Ok, I own it, I said it. Now I feel.....Less annoyed, not deceived. Not really discouraged, just a little anxious. Hopeless? Well....not so much, but still striving.
There's a hottie inside of me, the bitch just won't speak up and be heard. I know her. I have seen her. I have been her.
I'm trying, dammit.
I actually put on a swim suit and went to the pool. No one laughed, or pointed, or stared. Not out loud.
But rest assured, I certainly felt that they were. Don't think that this is an image or condition that i take lightly (it's not), but I sometimes feel schizpophrenic when it comes to looking at my own body. I hear people say I look great, then I tell myself that they are my friends and just love me. Crazy!
But right now, she is far away in hiding. I feel like I have tried everything to lose weight. I eat "right". I go to the gym 5 days a week for the past 1 1/2 years - more than I have ever exercised in my entire life. Not just my adult life, my ENTIRE life!! guess what it got me? A whopping 17 lbs. FATTER. As if that weren't reason enough to be pissed at the world.
The gym is finally WORKING now!! I still like to go, and it is fun for me. Is it part of my body change? I don't know. And if it IS, honestly it still pisses me off that it takes THIS LONG to help!
So here I sit. This is my attempt at changing my body, through changing my mind. It may not work. But I can tell you this - it may just be my only hope!
The good news...my mind DEFINITLEY has changed. The picture in my last post was just a notion of ME and what I am trying to do. I think (oddly enough) that I THINK better now and make this work. It is a daily challenge though, that will be forever possibly!
1 Comment
Biker Ben Wednesday, June 18, 2008
1) Keep up the amazing work! You have a very strong mind. I decided to give up mountain dew....but sometimes drink regular coke.
Biker Ben Wednesday, June 18, 2008Leave a Comment
