Transparent Me (Ch. 1)Being that I'm pregnant and in my 3rd trimester I'm becoming quite emotional. I don't mind it so much, as Richie often shares in that with me. (I'm glad I didn't marry a macho-man!) I'm not a person who journals and find it quite a tedious task. I'm not a good writer, nor do I have the vocabulary to keep things interesting or eliminate repetition when trying to make a point. So I humbly open myself up to you in these following blogs. Please be gracious and kind, and try not to judge me too harshly. ;)
I hate to start off as far back as the day we found out we were going to have a babybut this story actually begins much further back than that. Many of you know of the difficulties we had in conceiving a child. I will try my best to give the Reader's Digest version of the Reader's Digest version in an attempt to explain to anyone who isn't familiar with our situation a good idea of all we've been through so that you may understand how far we've come.
For more than 6 years Richie and I have wanted a child. For 12 straight months we made a concerted effort to get pregnant. We tracked everything. We were, obviously, unsuccessful. All the while our friends were popping out babies like baby factories. We never prevented pregnancy but took the stance that God would provide and do as he saw fit for us in our life. We gave it up to God to handle, or so we thought. As our marriage continued and the infertility continued we began conversations about not having children at all. We each had to deal with the reality of not having any children; we had to deal with that individually and as a couple. We knew that God had a plan for us and needed to understand, and accept, that perhaps that plan didn't include children. We've been taught that until you can appreciate what you have and be contented you will be given no more. I seemed to cling to that theory more so than Richie. We were happy and in love, and we truly enjoyed one another and our companionship. We had come to a point that we were happy with one another and were "O.K." with it being just us.
As we progressed through the process of accepting the possibility of never having children of our own we were, as all infertile couples are, bombarded with questions like "Don't you want children" and "Have you considered adoption?" They were all well meaning questions from ignorant yet well meaning people. Yes, we did want children. Yes, we had considered adoption; but we found that most people weren't aware of the financial costs of adoption. We had to deal with family and friends telling us that we didn't have enough faith. That was a very difficult thing to hear. Imagine thinking to yourself, even if just once, that the reason you weren't able to conceive a child was because you lacked faith. What a punch in the gut!
I can't count how many times we discussed children, and I'd ask Richie if he was really okay with us not having children. His answer was always the same, supportive, loving and compassionate. He'd answer that he loved me and he was happy with our life and with whatever God had intended for us. He'd say, "We don't have to have children to be happy." I believe there is a small population of women who do not fit into this category, but I think most women want to give their husband a child and the opportunity to be a father. I was unable to do that for him.