Tuesday, August 10th, 2010Huge Lifestyle Adjustment I've started this blog several times already and quit every other time. I didn't want to put our family drama out there for anyone to read and I didn't want to seem like I was whining or being inconsiderate. I've hit my boiling point though, and I'm afraid if I don't write it down I might just have a breakdown.
A little background... Greg has a 20 year-old daughter, Amber. When he got divorced his daughter chose to move in with her boyfriend at his parents' house about 15 miles away. She wound up pregnant and Emily is now a year old. Her boyfriend quit his job right before Emily was born. Brilliant right? Amber decided to go to school to become a dental assistant and finished with that at the beginning of July. Around that same time she and her boyfriend decided it was best if they split up for a while. Apparently they were always arguing, mostly about the money they don't have. And she says his parents didn't help the situation. Nothing like blaming other people. She was/is still living with the boyfriend and his parents. She stopped by to see us when this all happened and asked if she could stay with us. It's Greg's daughter and obviously we cannot just leave her on the street. From that point on, I've been nothing but annoyed by the whole situation.
At first it seemed like not a big deal, and something temporary. As the weeks have gone by the situation has gotten progressively worse. Most of the problems seem to boil down to the fact that Amber is extremely spoiled by her mother and feels that everything in life should be handed to her. Add on top of that the fact that she has a tendency to lie and things get even more fun.
Problem Number 1: She has failed to get a job. She's been done with school since the beginning of July and has made very little effort to get a job. She claims she's put in a few resumes but never hears anything back. She turns her nose up at jobs that are apparently beneath her." When I graduated college I took the first job I could find so that I had some income while I looked for the job I really wanted. She has zero motivation. I told her there was an ad in the local paper for someone looking for a babysitter. It would be cash for her to save while she continues looking for a job. She laughed at it.
Problem Number 2: She has yet to move any of her stuff back in. Her bed and things are still at her boyfriend's parent's house. She blames him for not wanting to help her move stuff. So, she bounces back and forth whenever she decides to and sleeps on our couch. I get extremely annoyed when she sleeps until 10am and lies on the couch all day. This is terrible for Emily to be bounced around from house to house as well. But you can't tell her this because like many 20 year olds, she knows better than we all do. She rarely stays at the house for more than one or two nights at a time. It's very strange.
Problem Number 3: I don't think I have ever met another person who is so disrespectful of other people's property and authority. While we were gone for a week to Indiana she was at the house. Apparently it was ok to stay for a full week since we were gone. Greg was very firm on the fact that she was to have NO ONE at the house while we were gone. I checked her facebook after we got home to find that she had posted messages telling people she was bored and to stop by. Clearly she feels she can do as she pleases. She went through my bathroom things that I had already boxed up to move to our new master suite since we were getting carpet the Monday we returned. Not only did she use my things, she couldn't bother to put them back where she found them. It worries me about what other things she decided to snoop through. Also, we returned home on a Sunday to find that she'd already left. We heard nothing from her until Thursday last week. When we did get home the house was a mess. There was food on the couch and the floor. She hasn't brought a highchair over so I guess she's feeding Emily in the floor? There were dirty dishes left on the counter. Someone had been on our bed. A fan was left on in our bedroom. And she hadn't taken the trash out like she'd promised so our garage smelled wonderful and we had no room in the trash can for that weeks trash. There was just a whole list of things. Of course, she had an excuse for every one of the problems.
Problem Number 4: She somehow eats enough food for 2 or 3 people and she can't manage to tell me when we are out of something. I grocery shop once a week. I'm used to buying for 2 people, and that's what I've budgeted for. I plan meals for a week or two and that's what I buy groceries for. I never changed that because she never actually moved in. The other morning I went to make something to eat before I left for work. I was going to make toast. We were out of bread. I went to get a bowl of raisin bran. It was all gone. Then I was really irritated when I stopped to grab a coke out of the garage fridge to find she had drunk my last one. Last night when she decided to show up again she proceeded to eat the last of our homemade, from the garden, spaghetti that was intended for my lunch. I woke up to find she'd also made a box of mac n cheese, pudding, and finished off Greg's drumsticks. How does one person eat this in the course of a few hours? I feel like I'm back in college and I'm going to have to hide our favorite foods from our new roommate. We put ourselves on a pretty strict budget for groceries and try to stick to it. She has no respect for that. When I have planned to make a certain thing for dinner and come home to find out she's eaten it all, it irritates me to no end. I shouldn't feel protective of food in my very own house.
Problem Number 5: One of the biggest problems at all is her tendency to lie, about big things and little things alike. We have caught her in several lies already, and who knows how many we haven't caught. Almost every weekend she gives her baby to her sister so she can go party with her boyfriend that she's supposedly broken up with. Last Friday she tried to lie about it and Greg caught her. To try and cover her butt she added another lie on top of that. It's to the point that I don't think I can believe a word she says.
Problem Number 6: She feels everything is owed to her and she should do nothing to get it. There are 3 bedrooms upstairs. Greg told her she could have one of them. She's argued for days saying she needs two. He told her to put what stuff doesn't fit into storage. That's just not good enough for her. She needed to know what he was doing with the other two bedrooms. She just couldn't understand why he'd want an extra bedroom for when we have company. He reminded her it was his home and he would do what he wanted. Still, she continued to push for getting two rooms.
There are so many small problems on top of all of these. I feel like we have a ten-year old living with us. Not a 20-year old who should be self-sufficient by that point in life. I should not be worried to leave my own house because I don't know what I'm going to come home to at the end of the day. I should also not have to come home and clean the house that I left in good condition when I went to work. No matter how many rules and guidelines Greg gives her, she still does whatever suits her with complete disregard for us.
Richie and Ashley, I am even more impressed now by your generosity to allow a whole family to move in with you!
As an outsider looking in, and I KNOW this is easier said than done, I think she has to go. She has caused enough problems and disrespected you and your husband and your house enough times to qualify for getting kicked out. She will have to figure out what to do for her and her daughter.....and she will. You are enabling her in a sense because if you keep letting her mooch off of you, she has no real incentive to find a job, etc. And I agree....she needs to take any job for now until she can find one she'll like for a long time.
I think as long as you allow her in your home, you will have drama and plenty of it. You have two choices.....to tell her to leave or to endure the many problems that will surely come your way if you let her stay. This is very, very hard but I think it's time for some tough love. Good luck!
It's Greg's only daughter so he has a hard time being tough on her sometimes. He's told her if she doesn't get her life together that she's going to have to go live with either her mom or her sister because he can't put up with it anymore. It's just putting too much of a strain on us lately and its unfair to us.
This is a very tough one, Snelly. You have my greatest sympathy.
Make her move out and change your locks. Then, invite her over for dinner once a week, get together for family birthdays and holiday celebrations. Send birthday cards for her and Emily, attend their birthday parties and holiday celebrations and support Emily when she starts going to school. That's how it works. And if she can't support Emily on her own, file for guardianship until Amber "gets back on her feet," but don't hold your breath...
1. Any resident of your household needs to be there 7 days a week. If you have other places to lay your head, go there and stay there! The back and forth is not good for anyone, especially the baby.
2. Anyone without a job in the household needs to have household chores.
3. If rule #1 is followed, meals will be provided for. HOWEVER, they will be provided for at set times. Snacking on items that were not offered should not be eaten without permission
I could go on and on but I am sure she will have 3 strikes before a final draft of the rules is completed. At least if you do it this way, you have visible proof to show her now and later down the road of why she could not stay with you guys.
She needs to grow the #*#& up though...Sad.
It helps to get some different perspectives on it.
Ericka- I really like the 3 strikes idea. Actually, I think I'm going to talk to Greg tonight and implement that immediately, with some additions.
I almost feel childish being that upset over food just disappearing. But I am so used to it just being the two of us. When I plan for meals and then find that the food on the menu is no longer available, its frustrating.
!- Greg goes back and forth on it. He tries to be big tough guy, but in the end I'm not sure he'd kick her out. Even though he's threatened it already. I think that's part of the problem, he's given her a lot of empty threats. I've suggested giving her a deadline. I need to talk to him about it again and get one set in stone.
Dannie- That is one of the biggest things that bothers me. If she would just be a regular resident of the household and not come and go as she pleases, I'd be a little more comfortable with the whole situation. With the way she is doing it though, it just seems shady.
Angi- That is exactly what I am afraid of. She would be following in her mother's footsteps. Her mother has basically always been a mooch. I won't get into all of that, but she now lives in her adult son's basement and has for over 2 years. To Amber, this is normal.