Tuesday, April 7th, 2009Moving in Together Greg and I have been talking recently and are planning in the next couple of months to move in together. We've been together just over a year now, and already spend all of our time together. Well, not
ALL. We do still have our own time with friends and things like that, but for the most part we live together.. and have 2 sets of bills.
We stay at my place, which is a 2 bedroom duplex. We'll be moving in to his place, which is a 4-bedroom house. Once we're officially living in one spot, we'll save over $1500 a month which will really help boost the savings account! So, obviously there's the financial reason, but that's not the motivating factor in moving in together.
Anyway, I'm curious as to how many of you lived (or currently live) with your significant other before getting engaged and/or married. What kinds of things were you sure to talk about before taking that step? Were there any setbacks? Any advice?
I feel like it was a good idea for us to move in together first. I think it made the transition to marriage easier - we didn't have to learn how to live with one another. That sounds weird, but I guess it is just hard to explain. HaHa!
Anyways, I think you will both learn a lot from one another. I know some people are against "living in sin," but I personally don't see what is wrong with the idea.
I would discuss with Greg how the expenses will divided - who will pay for what. That could potentially be the biggest problem. :)
So I would ask yourself-
1) Are you hoping this leads to marriage (do you believe in it)? If so, would you want to make a move that could threaten it?
2) I know many men who will talk about marriage in order to get girls to live with them, and then never pull the string, because they are already getting everything they want out of the relationship, and don't want real commitment. Now, I don't know you or he at all, but make sure you've given this some thought.
Finally- full disclosure- I am a Christian pastor, and would consider such living sinful according to my faith. But I don't say that to be mean or elitist, only to affirm my belief that commitment is what makes relationships work, not trying them out with all the benefits minus commitment. There are times when all my wife and I seem to have for each other is the commitment, and it is then I see the depths of our love most clearly. I would just want you to be truly happy, so thanks for welcoming the contrary views, even if in the end you reject them.
Therefore when Bill and I began dating, I had already decided against co-habitation. So when he asked me to move in with him on Valentine's Day, I explained that it hadn't worked out for me in the past, and I was against it. Then he explained that he'd neither lived with any of his ex-girlfriends nor his ex-wife, so he wasn't about to marry someone he didn't live with beforehand.
Enter our first dilemma and compromise - a one-year lease together, which would either end up in our engagement or a break up. That was that. And I know it sounds a bit like an ultimatum, but my thoughts are "when you know, you know." I should say that there were no doubts (for either of us). We signed our lease on April 18th, got engaged on my birthday (10/26) and married the following October. Good luck!
Second, don't listen to statistics. Everyone is different (and has a different situation) and most statistics are a bunch of crap because they can be manipulated and translated to support the position of the person who's trying to prove a point. Some people do the same thing with the Bible (BTW, this is no way a dig against Brian. Brian is always respectful in his comments.)
Third, just go with your gut. Do you have close friends who have met Greg? What do they think? I know it sounds stupid, but most of the time your friends have a good view from the outside looking in and can gauge whether or not Greg is a good person is is just out to get help paying bills. The only thing I would be wary of is the fact that you would be moving into his house. Would it be possible to move into a new, neutral place where neither of you lived before? That way you wouldn't have the "this is my place" mentality. Ultimately though, you have to go with what you think is right for yourself. If it feels right, then go for it!
We just want to make sure we've talked about everything beforehand and have it all set out, as far as who pays what and who does what chores and things like that. In a way we already do that, since we basically live at my house right now anyway, we share the chores there pretty equally, and share expenses like groceries and phone bill, etc. He knows everything about me financially, and vice versa. Since we're working together on being debt-free, we know each other's credit so that won't be a suprise or an argument waiting to happen.
I think it can work either way for different couples, living together before the marriage, or not until after. I know there are statistics that say people who live together have a higher rate of splitting up. But I don't believe that was just because they lived together. What the studies don't tell you is that most of those people didn't have any serious discussions before moving in together and they have no idea what to expect. I don't buy the fact that the living together is what split them up. I think there are other factors involved. I think some people jump into it blindly and think living together is going to make things perfect. I'm not that naive. That's why we are discussing everything and making sure we're totally ready before it happens.
I'm not buying into the statistics. And no statistic is going to make a decision for me. We've already made the decision that we're moving in together, just into one house instead of the two.
In answer to your questions, every one of my close friends have met Greg, and my family all has as well. He gets along great with everyone, and they all think he's a good guy for me. He's definitely not out to get help paying his bills. He actually makes close to twice what I do (I guess that's the compensation for the danger in the job of coal mine electrician) and has helped me pay several bills before. Not even because I was in dire need of the help, but just because he wanted to see me with a little extra cash in my pocket. So I know he's not in it for his own financial gain.
We've also talked about the fact that I will be moving in to "his" house. That was one of my main concerns from the beginning. He already corrects me when I call it his, and he makes me call it "ours." Before I even move in there we're planning to start redoing the entire house. We're remodeling it the way we both want it, so that it will be ours. Our ultimate goal, and the reason we are working on being debt-free is that in the near future we'd like to build a house together. That's part of the reason we won't be moving out of his house. Rather than buy another house and only stay there for a short time (possibly less than 5 years) and lose money in the long run, we'll stay in the house that he built and get it sale-ready in a few years.
We just want to be sure we're not forgetting something that should be discussed before the big move.
I say if the situation fits, do it. If it doesn't work out in a reasonable time, then you haven't payed for a fancy dress and other expenses. There have been many couples put into financial slavery for two or three years paying for a high priced 20 minute wedding just so everybody could see it.
It's nice know some people aren't against the "living in sin" thing. Not that other people's opinions against it are going to sway our decision, but I do like to see examples of couples in relationships that have survived that test. I have complete faith that we're making the right decision, for us. I just hope we've covered all the necessary discussions beforehand, to kind of eliminate a few bumps along the road.
One problem with living together can be that it's hard to split if it isn't working, makes everything more difficult. You have to be willing to make that break and have it be hard and not get stuck in a bad relationship because it's difficult to leave.
The overall statistic for divorce is now over 50%. Very sad. I find it hard to believe that the statistic would be higher for those that "felt it out" before taking the plunge.
I say do it and find out for yourself if you are marriage material before you become THAT statistic.
As for me... my then boyfriend and I moved in after dating for about 1.5 years. We were engaged for over a year before getting married.
That said, it's a 30-year-old study. And not even an American one. Who knows if it applies?
Jess and I moved in right after college...we had been dating for about three years at that point, and I can only speak for myself, but I found the transition into moving together pretty easy. We've now been living together for *more* than three years.
Of course, she doesn't know that as soon as she gets her MD and makes the big money, I'm squeezing her dry and leaving her, but we'll keep that between us.