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Situation Vacant "Mom"


Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

Situation Vacant "Mom"

POSITION: Mom, Ma, Mum, Mummy, Mother
humzoo
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this - you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

PS Most of this applies to the Dads I know too ;o)humzoo


7 Comments
lgrant
Very good. And I'm sure most moms will agree about that job description. :)
LGrant   Tuesday, September 22, 2009
igna83
This is AWESOME! And completely accurate. Plus, most people who take on this position as parents, will be completely insane and insist that they put in another 40+ hours per week at an off-site job!! Insanity, I tell you.
Angi   Tuesday, September 22, 2009
RAGrise
Beautifully written!
Richie & Ashley   Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Ames
That's perfect! I love it!
Ames   Tuesday, September 22, 2009
BlackCatsFan
I like that first picture with an instantly recognisable GB. I seem to remember meetng or seeing a pic. of a sister and he said it would be such an honour to have a CY in his family, lol!
LimeyJim'sDad   Wednesday, September 23, 2009
VimesFan
Yep, photos one, two and three all contain that future CY!
VimesFan   Friday, September 25, 2009
BlackCatsFan
I hadn't spotted him in the first two and realised afterwards that the one where I recognised himself was the 3rd, not the 1st pic.
Does his family realise just how honoured it is by GB being a CY?
Ringing at the Priory I keep wishing I got to ring more Stedman like that touch I rang with your Leeds group at Milnthorpe..
LimeyJim'sDad   Friday, September 25, 2009
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