Nikki cont.This year was the first Thanksgiving without Nikki, and it's going to be the first Christmas without Nikki. And it's been the toughest going possible.
Thanksgiving weekend I went to visit her grave. Call me weird but I talk to her whenever I visit her. And for the first time since August, I cried. Not just a little sniffling cry, but a flat out sob. I told her about Thanksgiving, how I had to work and I couldn't even SEE her family (my second family) at all, and I kept crying. I told her I missed her and my heart always ached for her. I put a little giraffe on her grave since she loved silly random items and I left her that for the moment. Not once did I stop crying on the drive home nor when I walked into the house. I spent most of that weekend thinking of her, Jessica, and the rest of the family. It was hard.
Her birthday is December 21, 4 days away from Christmas Day. That doesn't help ease the pain, it only heightens it. She would have turned 18 this year...geez. I won't be here for Christmas which saddens me a little. But for her birthday (the day before I leave for Washington), Pearl and I are going to buy either a fake poinsetta or wreath to go place on Nikki's grave. I owe her for coming with me. It's going to be difficult, knowing she won't really turn 18 or celebrate Christmas down here with us.
Time. That's the keyword. It's been about 4 months, and I still can't accept the fact she's gone. Everytime I visit her grave, I cry. I ache. I still don't understand. Maybe I'll always be slightly confused, or always have an ache in my heart for her. But I'll learn to accept. I'll learn to stop being surprised. And I'll learn when to move on but never forget. I vowed to her I would never touch alcohol. I'm keeping that promise for you, Nikki. I'll tell your story and hope people understand. I love you.