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Nikki cont.

Saturday, December 4th, 2010

Nikki cont.

This year was the first Thanksgiving without Nikki, and it's going to be the first Christmas without Nikki. And it's been the toughest going possible.

Thanksgiving weekend I went to visit her grave. Call me weird but I talk to her whenever I visit her. And for the first time since August, I cried. Not just a little sniffling cry, but a flat out sob. I told her about Thanksgiving, how I had to work and I couldn't even SEE her family (my second family) at all, and I kept crying. I told her I missed her and my heart always ached for her. I put a little giraffe on her grave since she loved silly random items and I left her that for the moment. Not once did I stop crying on the drive home nor when I walked into the house. I spent most of that weekend thinking of her, Jessica, and the rest of the family. It was hard.

Her birthday is December 21, 4 days away from Christmas Day. That doesn't help ease the pain, it only heightens it. She would have turned 18 this year...geez. I won't be here for Christmas which saddens me a little. But for her birthday (the day before I leave for Washington), Pearl and I are going to buy either a fake poinsetta or wreath to go place on Nikki's grave. I owe her for coming with me. It's going to be difficult, knowing she won't really turn 18 or celebrate Christmas down here with us.

Time. That's the keyword. It's been about 4 months, and I still can't accept the fact she's gone. Everytime I visit her grave, I cry. I ache. I still don't understand. Maybe I'll always be slightly confused, or always have an ache in my heart for her. But I'll learn to accept. I'll learn to stop being surprised. And I'll learn when to move on but never forget. I vowed to her I would never touch alcohol. I'm keeping that promise for you, Nikki. I'll tell your story and hope people understand. I love you.

Honoring her memory and talking about how she touched your life is part of the healing process. Losing someone so young always seems so unfair. Consider yourself hugged today. Peace to you and all Nikki's friends and family as you move through all the "firsts" without her.
dannie   Sunday, December 5, 2010
I know you miss her Brenna, and I weep now for that loss. My heart aches for my brother, too - it's been a little over five months. It'll never go away. Ever. But it will get easier. And you talked about how Nikki liked random things, so get ready. Because random moments and things will bring it back up; it's uncontrollable.

I also think you should reconsider your promise to her about never touching alcohol because that wasn't the issue. The issue was irresponsibility. You don't have to now, but as you grow older, you may find that you cannot or don't want to keep that promise.

Hugs to you! XOXO
Angi   Sunday, December 5, 2010
I can't add a lot to what was said but time does help and you inevitably remember the joy more than the sorrow but as Angi said you never quit missing those you love or hurting just a little because they aren't in your life anymore. I think your promise to honor her is a good one but maybe Angi is right about a promise more for responsibility being a better one. I made myself a promise years ago never to ride a motorcycle because my mom lost a brother very young due to an accident. I never have ridden one but I decided some years ago that it wasn't the riding of it that was to be avoided as much as doing it badly and endangering myself or others. Same with drinking and driving. When I was younger I drove at times when I shouldn't have and I'm grateful I didn't hurt anyone when I did. I rarely drink now more from personal choice but if I do I won't drive until I know it is safe. Consider that more than the actual drinking but there's nothing wrong with not doing that if you don't want to do it. We are lucky in our lives to have choice and decide what we want to do and drink neither adds to your health or happiness or is required to have a good time. It's all about choice and making good choices for yourself and your family and friends. Nikki was one lucky gal to have such a good friend and it sounds like you feel blessed to have had her in your life even for such a short time. Keep healing.
LGrant   Sunday, December 5, 2010
No matter why you promised not to drink or what you may feel about it later in life, I can say from personal experience that making it through your 20s with never touching it is hard, but it's not impossible. And you will not miss anything in life by avoiding alcohol. I feel for your pain and wish you all the best as you deal with your grief this holiday season.
Dave Heinzel   Sunday, December 5, 2010
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