Friday, May 8th, 2009Anxiety In 11 days (or less), I'll be heading to the hospital for a planned c-section. Each morning as soon as I wake up the countdown hits me...a month to go, 2 weeks...tomorrow will be 10 days...and the anxiety starts. Somehow I'm able to get to sleep at night, maybe from all of the energy I've burned during the day from the panic, maybe because I have to take a benadryl to help with my allergies/breathing problems. Overnight I get a reprieve, but the daytime hours have been brutal. I feel like all I'm thinking of is the surgery, and not even in specifics, just the fact that I'll be cut open. I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive (meeting our child, calling Lilly to let her know if she has a brother or sister, completing our family) but I can't. I haven't had too many moments of excitement, it's mostly dread.
I hate that I feel this way! I don't know what to do other than write about it; to try to get it out of my system. I'm buzzing right now, anxiety still. I've been awake since 7:30 AM and all day I've been buzzing like this.
Part of me wants the baby to come before the scheduled date because then at least I won't be up all night worrying about the c/s the night before...a lot of the time I just want to sit down and cry.
This is when I really miss my mom. She never had a c/s, but just to be able to hear her calm, reassuring voice right now would do wonders for my psyche.
I know Lilly is feeling it too...probably feeding off of me, which I hate (and which makes me feel more anxious and very guilty). Her whole world is going to be turned upside down in less than 2 weeks in ways that none of us can even imagine. I'm so grateful that my sister will be coming in to help, and that Lilly loves her so much. But it still breaks my heart to think about how much things are going to change for her, how I feel like I'm blindsiding her with this child...and how I wanted these last few weeks with her to be full of memory making bonding moments, but I'm too panicked and too sick to do it. I feel crappy all day long, my temper is short, nevermind how whiny and clingy she's been (she cried tonight because I told her I had an appointment to go to in the morning, that I'd be gone for about an hour...what the hell is she going to do when I'm in the hospital for 4 days???)
Sorry this is so jumbled...I'm just writing what's floating around in my brain right now. I wish it helped more, usually when I write it does help. This time, not so much.
I just hope I'm brave on the birth day. Right now I'm feeling pretty cowardly.
Congratulations and best wishes, Jules!!
PS. Don't fret over that c-section - I've had two, and they're a non-issue. I actually recovered quicker with the second...Galvin needed his Momma! :O)
The best, most healthy thing you can do for your family (and mostly yourself) is to remain calm and think positive thoughts . . . think of how wonderful it will be to see Lilly hold the new baby, and how great it will be to see the first smile. . . those are things that will last a lifetime. The c-section will only last 10 mins. :-) You are much stronger than you think.
When you need to vent and escape we are here. I'm gonna say a little prayer for you!
Thank you everyone...it does help to hear your encouraging words. I'm hoping I'm just getting the nerves out of the way now so I can be calm on d-day.
Enjoy your massage!!!
While I've never had a child, I have a younger brother, and I know I behaved in much the same way as Lilly before he was born. After he was born, I was jealous sometimes and did resent him (according to my mother), but I have so many great memories of my childhood, playing with my brother and making up games and just laughing. I can only imagine how lonely I'd have been without him.
I can't say I always liked him, but I'm so incredibly glad my parents decided to have him.
As I said, I'm sending positive thoughts your way and to Lilly as well.