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Monday, January 24th, 2011


The first unsupervised extended visit is now over. We won't have another for a couple of weeks. I'm not really sure what to say about it, because I'm not really sure about anything right now. Birth parent world = crazy, sad, frustrating, etc. That's all for now.

In other news...both babies are crawling now! It is so much fun to watch them, they're so cute and wobbly and seem to need to make loud grunts and yells to move across the floor. They're also pulling up on things now too, so we're enjoying these last few months of limited mobility. I can't imagine what it will be like when both are running around!

They're still tiny girls. We are still mostly in 3-6 month clothes. At least they got some good use out of those clothes! I wish they had a baby petite department because there are several outfits where the length is too long, but the belly is too tight. Suck it in girls!

I know every mother (and many fathers) deal with this, but we are beginning to look at my work situation. We're just not sure what to do. The girls are going through some hard times, especially after weeks with lots of daycare and lots of visits. This week, Friday night and all day Saturday were just horrific. They almost couldn't function they were so upset and out of sorts. It was really, really bad. But by Sunday, after lots of holding and talking and gentle routines they were just so comfortable and happy.

I know they need to bond with whatever family members they can, but for 8 month old babies visits are confusing, taxing, and stressful. They often are picked up by transporters they have never met before, are sent to visits with a different random relative accompanying the parent each time, and now with the home visits are being cared for in environments completely new and unfamilar. It's a lot to deal with....especially on top of the commotion of daycare and day to day busy-ness.

I think taking them out of daycare and staying home with them is the most beneficial thing that could happen to them at this point. They need stability, they need a constant caregiver, and they need to know what having a mother really feels like.

But it is very hard to quit my job and lose our extra income when we are not entirely sure how long they'll even be here. And I enjoy my job. Quitting wasn't even on my radar until the last couple of weeks. It won't cause extreme hardship on my boss if I leave as our current project is winding down...but we've already been looking at some fun future projects.

S and I both are beginning to see that this is an extremely important time in their lives in developing the ability to form healthy, strong attachments. I think we owe it to them to help them do that to the best of our ability. In fact, the more I see how deeply these babies are affected by foster care the more I feel that all babies in f.care need a full time SAHM....even if these two are only around a few more months there will always be another one (or two!) who needs that level of care of stability to even have a chance at healthy development.

So we'll see what happens. We're going to take a little while to think about it before making any huge decisions. Tomorrow night we have a home visit from the social worker and hope to get some idea of timelines and expectations. That might help.

Do you need to quit to stay home? FMLA or an extended leave...are either of those options for you? I know how much it'd make you happy to stay home with those babies and how much it'd mean to them.
Is their case worker sensitive to their messed up schedules and the difficulty of adjusting after visitations like this? Is there any room for flexibility for their sake?

What a stressful situation to be in. Peace be with you and S.
Richie & Ashley   Monday, January 24, 2011
Is it possible to reduce the hours that you work(out of the home.) Twins must be a full time job. Does the family have any interest in you adopting them?
Its a real quandry but I know you will make a thoughtful decision.
dannie   Monday, January 24, 2011
I do have to say that since I have quit my job 3 months ago, my oldest who wasn't in such a crazy world as your babies are in has benefited tremendously. His sleep is better, he is more predictable and is overall happier. You are two amazing people giving your love and life to these babies. But I do miss work sone days!!
Moore Crazies   Monday, January 24, 2011
Can you just take a leave of absence? btw, I think it's fantastic that you are considering all options.
girlcarew   Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I think it would be easy to do any of the things you all suggested, luckily. I work on funds from research grants, so jobs tend to be a year or less. The one I'm on now has funding through July, and can be renewed, but we have done 90% of the work already. Now we're mainly working on publications, which I may can talk my boss into letting me do from home on a part-time basis. The timing is right for this to happen. By summer I'll need to be working full time again if I want to stay with the university, but hopefully at that point their future will be a bit more clear (or they'll be home).
Saying all that, we're still not sure. It is just so hard to plan ANYTHING with foster care.
sandd   Wednesday, January 26, 2011
If you can afford to, go with your gut. That theory has never led me wrong. There's a reason you have these girls!
pegi   Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I'm with Pegi. Not to mention I'm sure that your dedication to the girls will be dually noted when it comes down to it. :)
Richie & Ashley   Wednesday, January 26, 2011
We're thinking we're going to do it! So excited. It's going to be at least 2-3 weeks, but we're about 80% certain right now. I always thought I'd be the one wanting to stay home more, but S is really the one pushing for it. We just have so little time with them right now and are always rushing to get everything done. I may need a psychologist after a month or so home with 2 babies, but in the end I think everyone's stress level will go down dramatically.
sandd   Friday, January 28, 2011
I bet you're going to LOVE it!!! I think if it weren't the right move for you then neither of you would feel so compelled to follow through with it. :) You're being nudged ... obviously nudged ... Oh, and I doubt you'll need therapy--those girls ARE your therapy and will put life into perspective unlike any therapist will be able to. :D
Richie & Ashley   Friday, January 28, 2011
I know the girls will benefit greatly from your move.
Probably all of you will! Congratulations!
pegi   Friday, January 28, 2011
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