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Sunday, March 11th, 2012

The Bad

I know my blog isn't exactly the most uplifting thing in the world. In many ways I regret anyone reads it because I am often sharing some tough stuff and I hate to cause any kind people to be sad.

It's been a hard, hard day. A hard weekend. Little guy is not doing well after his visit. He has been crying, whining, misbehaving constantly since Friday. We're seeing a lot more of his natural behavior coming out now and some of it is hard to deal with. He punched S in the face tonight. He spent almost all evening crying. He will do something we can't allow (and believe me we let him have a pretty free rein), we redirect him and then he spends hours saying "I want my Daddy" over and over and over.

It is also very difficult to play with him or interact with him. We try SO hard to get him interested in things but he will only participate for a minute or two and then says he's done. Legos, play doh, trucks, catch, going outside....nothing works. I'm not sure he knows how to play. He just wanders around and is only really happy now when he's eating and watching endless hours of cartoons.

S and I are honestly trying so hard for him. He is in such a terrible situation and we know it, but we just feel we are getting nowhere and it is becoming frustrating. We both talked tonight about how very guilty we feel that we often feel so aggravated and tired. Sometimes I really wish he would stop whining and crying and I feel like such a bad person for feeling those things. The only resolution I've come up with is to continue to be as kind and patient as possible and just let that be it. I am not capable of loving this child as very much as he deserves.

It was probably too soon for us to take another child, especially one his age.

To top all that off, I found some recent pictures of the girls on facebook tonight. They look horrible, absolutely horrible. There are at least 10 pictures and they are pale, have baggy eyes and completely blank stares. There are no smiles. My A is sucking her fingers which she hasn't done for months and months. The thing that I LOVE about those girls is their energy, life and personality. There are none of those things in those pictures. I hope it is not as bad as it seems. I hope I am overreacting. I hope, hope, hope I will see just one picture of them smiling. Just one. I really need one.

I get frustrated with Noah on days when he cries a lot and is frustrated himself. It's hard to keep him entertained and calm when we're both upset. It's normal, it's natural, that's just how days go sometimes. It does not make you a horrible person, it makes you human and normal. :)
Praying or you!
Ashley   Sunday, March 11, 2012
My husband and I were just talking about how overwhelming being a parent can be. Stepping into a mess like you have mus be really exhausting. Your feelings are more than normal. Reading your story makes me realize how truly fortunate my life has been. I am so sorry to hear about the twins. There are no right answers out there. Hopefully there will be a solution within his family soon. It sounds like what he needs more than anything is consistency. Giving our support to you is the least we can do-keep blogging.
dannie   Monday, March 12, 2012
Better today. Last night both S and I were ready to move to Alaska and become hermits. Sleep helps a lot :-). We'll make it. Little Guy will settle in....until Friday and we'll do this all over again :-). What I was trying to say in the blog is that we both regret that we don't feel the sort of empathy we probably should feel for him. Fostering definitely uses a person up in a lot of ways. I really don't know how people do it for years and years. I could ~never~ do that, lol.
sandd   Monday, March 12, 2012
Alaska sounds nice...
Around here...my code for being overwhelmed is "I'm going to Mexico". I had a fleeting moment of wanting to drop it all and flee to Mexico. Now it is code for "Help! I'm drowning!". Regardless of how you become a parent, frustration is a universal truth. I'm sure it isn't a lack of empathy. It is more a lack of communication. He can't tell you what is frustrating him because he doesn't have the vocabulary (words and emotions) to express himself yet. and as parents, we are learning ALL of the time. Don't be so hard on yourself.
What you were saying about him not knowing how to play was something that was mentioned at a organized play group I was at today. Apparently a lot of kids don't know how to play. It comes with practice. Hard to believe. I think my Jasper is still learning how to play with other kids. Right now he either hugs or hits but I know if I keep taking him to these groups... he will learn how to play better with others. Keep Playing! :)
Spike   Tuesday, March 13, 2012
I am glad you do post, though. I am sure it's good for you to get out some of those feelings. I think you are doing a ton for the little guy, even if you feel inadequate. He's at a really rough age for communication, especially when you are new to his language and vocabulary. Just give him the love that you can (and do).
girlcarew   Thursday, March 15, 2012
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