The BadI know my blog isn't exactly the most uplifting thing in the world. In many ways I regret anyone reads it because I am often sharing some tough stuff and I hate to cause any kind people to be sad.
It's been a hard, hard day. A hard weekend. Little guy is not doing well after his visit. He has been crying, whining, misbehaving constantly since Friday. We're seeing a lot more of his natural behavior coming out now and some of it is hard to deal with. He punched S in the face tonight. He spent almost all evening crying. He will do something we can't allow (and believe me we let him have a pretty free rein), we redirect him and then he spends hours saying "I want my Daddy" over and over and over.
It is also very difficult to play with him or interact with him. We try SO hard to get him interested in things but he will only participate for a minute or two and then says he's done. Legos, play doh, trucks, catch, going outside....nothing works. I'm not sure he knows how to play. He just wanders around and is only really happy now when he's eating and watching endless hours of cartoons.
S and I are honestly trying so hard for him. He is in such a terrible situation and we know it, but we just feel we are getting nowhere and it is becoming frustrating. We both talked tonight about how very guilty we feel that we often feel so aggravated and tired. Sometimes I really wish he would stop whining and crying and I feel like such a bad person for feeling those things. The only resolution I've come up with is to continue to be as kind and patient as possible and just let that be it. I am not capable of loving this child as very much as he deserves.
It was probably too soon for us to take another child, especially one his age.
To top all that off, I found some recent pictures of the girls on facebook tonight. They look horrible, absolutely horrible. There are at least 10 pictures and they are pale, have baggy eyes and completely blank stares. There are no smiles. My A is sucking her fingers which she hasn't done for months and months. The thing that I LOVE about those girls is their energy, life and personality. There are none of those things in those pictures. I hope it is not as bad as it seems. I hope I am overreacting. I hope, hope, hope I will see just one picture of them smiling. Just one. I really need one.